Working exclusively with young women over the past 15 years, I have seen a frightening trend of increased anxiety among them. There are many explanations of why this is so, but there are few answers as to how to help them cope. In this concise, articulate, and surprisingly upbeat book, Lisa Damour guides primarily parents in how to gently and supportively help their daughters to confront the sources of their stress and anxiety and in doing so, to combat them. As she points out, quite aptly, when one shies away from the cause of the anxiety, most often that anxiety only builds. Significantly, too, Damour does not demonize stress and anxiety. She points out that without stress, we might not push ourselves to do our best to achieve our goals; likewise, without the anxiety response, we might not be alert to dangerous situations. Stress and anxiety are only bad when they reach such high levels as to interfere with our normal functioning – that is when we need intervention.
The writing is insightful, readable, and filled with vignettes that engage the reader. Damour relates experiences with her clients as well as her own daughters, which make the issues she discusses come alive and tangible. She divides the issues into those that relate to girls in the home, girls in relationships with other girls, girls in relationships with boys, girls at school and girls as they are portrayed in our culture – and each of the stressors that are inherent to each of these realms. There are helpful tips along the way, lots of analogies, and very wise, concrete suggestions.
One takeaway I loved was her response when a young woman wasn’t sure how to respond to a conflict. Our culture conditions women to be agreeable and girls are expected to be and generally are particularly sensitive to others’ feelings. She summarized peoples’ responses to conflict as being either a bulldozer, a doormat, a doormat with spikes (passive aggressive responder), or (the desirable response) a pillar (stands up for herself without stepping on anyone else). I thought this was a great way to think about how we respond to conflict and and how we can guide others to do so in a constructive way.
I don’t think all of the advice in this book is exclusive to only girls. Some of it is generalizable to boys as well. But there is certainly plenty of evidence that girls experience more stress and anxiety than boys and that it is taking its toll on this generation of girls. Here are, finally, tools to utilize to help them resist this scourge and be resilient.